Jokes

[King Avallach]

I know, I know, we've had a few of these before but this one's got a few features I'm going to lay down now.

1. Ground rules.
-Keep it CLEAN
-No sensitive race or sex/ sexuality/ gender jokes.

2. Rewards

- Good jokes get Rep and appraisal.

(like with the generous thread either by me or someone who is alright to distribute rep in my absence) I'll send a few PMs to see who accepts unless someone volunteers.

 

[Vauxchen]

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now writes error messages for Microsoft Corporation.

 

[Janny]

Eleven people hanging on a rope from a helicopter...they were being rescued, ten men and one woman. Well, the rope couldn't sustain them all, it was destined to break and they would all die, so one of them had to let go. The woman looked at the ten men, all hanging on for dear life and she said, "Relax, I'm going to let go because all my life I've given up things for men. All my life I had to make the sacrifices and I never got any thanks. I'm used to it. So I'll let go." And with that all ten men applauded!
________
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic
elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a
large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the
apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the
table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching
the apples.
__________
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. They decide to go to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. His wife asks, "Where are you going?"
"To the kitchen" he replies.
"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"
"Sure, don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.
"No, I can remember it."
"Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. You'd better write it down because you know you'll forget it."
He says, "I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."
"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, so you'd better write it down!" she retorts.
Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!" Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment and says - "Where's my toast?"

The first joke is not intended as feminist or anything...

 

[King Avallach]

Nice ones, I can only rep on post at a time so don't tell me all you've got in one post, okay?

But in any case :lol:

 

[Vauxchen]

A scoutmaster and his wife were driving along a rural highway when they found the road blocked by a herd of cows that had escaped through a broken fence.

The scoutmaster tried beeping his horn to scare the cattle from the pavement, but to no avail. For some reason, no sound was heard. He got out of the car, lifted the hood, and saw the problem, a loose wire, which he quickly fixed.

As he got back into the car, his wife asked him if he'd had any luck.

"Yep," he replied, "beep repaired!"

 

[King Avallach]

Added.
Nice pun!:lol:

 

[VI-Rainbow]

This is a joke my great-grandmother told me years ago...

Two children got up for breakfast. Before going down to stairs the oldest brother said, "Today I'm going to say hell," then the little brother said, "Today I'm going to say a$$." Not long after, their mother called for them to come down for breakfast. Asking what the children wanted, the oldest replied by saying, "Oh hell, I dunno. Cereal." Hearing him say hell made the mom so mad that she chased the boy up the stairs screaming and whiping him. After she came back down, she asked the young boy what he wanted, and with that... he said, "I have no idea, but you can bet your a$$ it ain't cereal."

 

[Vauxchen]

i found some funny questions, just rep me once though, they arent all good




Is an angle a triangle with only two sides?

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?

If a train-station is where a train stops, what happens at a workstation?

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

 

[Darth Angelo]

One day a guy named Jack went to a bar but before he could go in he was stopped at the door and a man said to him. "sorry my friend ties only, if you go put on a tie I will let you in"

So Jack goes back to his car and hunts around for a tie but he cant find one. He tried to find anything that he could pass off as a tie. He eventuelly came across some old jump leads and thought "this could work" so he tried his best to try and fashon a tie out of these jump leads and heads back to the door and the man looks at him and says "...yyeah ok that will do, but dont start anything!"

 

[-B.(o).C-®]

Heres the joke, pretend you pointing a gun at someone cop style and tell them in a angry voice drop the weapon over and over again after about ten seconds of saying that say your face is a lethal weapon drop it now!

 

[Vauxchen]

There were these two snake buddies slithering along through the grass.

One snake asked his friend: "Thay, are we poisonous?"

His friend answered: "Yes, very. Why do you ask?"

And the first snake explained: "I jutht bit my tongue."

 

[King Avallach]

All rep added!

here's one for you guys from me.

What do you call a girl on the horizon?
Dot!

 

[Vauxchen]

An idiot was chatting with his building manager when he happened to mention that the tenants in the apartment above his were awfully noisy.

"Most nights, they stomp around up there as if they will killing cockroaches or something. All evening, this goes on, until around midnight."

"That's terrible," said the building manager. "Do you want me to speak to them about it?"

"Oh, no, it's not necessary," said the idiot. "It doesn't keep me up or anything, because, most nights, I usually stay up and practice my trumpet 'til about that time anyway."

i changed all "blonde" parts to idiot, i dont want ti to be offencive

 

[King Avallach]

Added and thanks

 

[Vauxchen]

A blonde was trying to sell her old car, but was having trouble because the car had almost 230,000 miles on it.

One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal."

"That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I can only sell the car."

"Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will 'fix it.' Then you shouldn't have a problem anymore trying to sell your car."

The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?"

"No," replied the blonde, "Why should I? Now it only has 50,000 miles on it!"


no offence, but it doesnt make sence with saying idiot in this one

 

[King Avallach]

Okay.
Really it's just race, sex, sexuality and disabilty that I'm going to clamp down on.

added

 

[Vauxchen]

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office.

"Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

ok i just didnt wana offend anyone

 

[pinky750]

a man walks into a bar with his dog, and the barman sees them and says "hang on, what dog you got there? i've never seen that before!".
the man replies "oh, it's a long-snouted, short-legged, web-footed irish terrior".
the barman says "it looks mean enough but i bet it's no match for my bulldog! tell you what, let's put them both out back and see which is better?".
the man accepts the challenge, so he leads his dog outside to where the bulldog is. the barman closes the back door and the two men can hear howling and growling and snarling on the other side of the door. after 1 minute, the barman opens the door only to find the man's dog sitting there with the bulldog's collar in it's mouth. the barman is stunned. "wow". he says. "what did you say your dog was again?"
the man says "it's a long-snouted, short-legged, web-footed irish terrior. oh, but in some countries, they call it a crocodile".

 

[Vauxchen]

here are some funny computer messages that should be used, although that are fake

* C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
* Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
* COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key
* < - The information went data way - >
* BREAKFAST.COM Halted ... Cereal Port Not Responding
* Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
* File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
* An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.
* CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?
* SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
* Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay..
* Press (CTRL)-(ALT)-(DEL) to continue ...
* Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....
* Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...
* ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
* E-mail returned to sender -- insufficient voltage.
* RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
* Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...
* Help! I'm modeming... and I can't hang up!!!